The Birth of Bliss

The bread of life ;)

The feelings of bliss today are increasing, underlying everything. How can I describe it? It is a deep sense of wellbeing and gratitude for the gift of life and all its colour and movement. It feels wonderful! I'm not saying that I don't have irritable moments but what I can say is that after those moments pass, this is the place I am returning to again and again. Time is passing, events are occuring, but I am feeling more and more centered in myself, so that things wash around me like so much water, and I am the point of stillness and peace.

I believe this to be a direct result of the fasting that David prescribed following our kinesiology session on the phone. How is this? Am I going mad with starvation perhaps? In fact the opposite is occuring! Due to my regular dawn to dusk fast (Mondays and Thursdays), I was initially feeling a drop in energy and resulting emotional disruption, lack of patience etc. However, I realized that this was a result of my general lack of a balanced wholesome diet, my reliance on sugary foods to boost my energy being the main problem. I realized that if I was to continue working in this way I needed to address my nutrition. I made a meal plan, a shopping list and made it a priority. Guess what? I started having the time of my life making delicious, nutritious food for myself each day! A knock-on effect of this was that instead of giving in to exhaustion and allowing washing up to accumulate over the week I actually started doing it daily so that I could use things again to cook the following day. I began to take more notice of our living environment and the niggling in the back of my mind when things needed to be tidied or cleaned transformed into the motivation to actually spend time doing it - whatever time was available. For example last night I baked bread, and used the rising time to clean the bathroom and kitchen! I went to bed very late but it was worth it as the bread is delicious...


I never thought I was any good at domestic activities and I have always wanted to be. Part of my womanhood was sad about that. However it turns out that I AM good at it - I'm great at it! and taking care of my body by feeding myself healthy food and paying attention to our home environment has given me the energy and motivation that I needed. The home fires are definitely burning again, and I feel such gratitude for this process because I now feel more content that I am giving the consideration and attention to my son that he needs. All of these things I have felt as lacking in my life were already present. Now that I am slowly surrendering to the divine and allowing a measure of discipline to bring gratitude to the surface I am able to embrace these gifts for what they are! Not an inconvenience but a blessing.


The transformation continues, so watch this space, but who would have thought that a simple regular fast would infuse my life with so much bliss?

A Little Bit of Rumi Does Me Good

"This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your houseempty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you outfor some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,and invite them in.
Be grateful for whomever comes,
because each has been sentas a guide from beyond."

~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Thanks to David for sending this out to me - a great life philosophy.

God is Good

A masterpiece Bistela.... soooo good!

I am no longer counting the days that I fast. Since living more and more in the eternal present time has lost its distinction somewhat and I will refer to a calendar for the date and a clock for the time when necessary. It's a beautiful thing! This morning I watched my son zooming off ahead of me on his scooter under the naked tree branches and I felt a real sense of joy. Thought came to me 'I don't even care what day it is, or what time, I just love this moment!'

My fascination with food continues. I'm so pleased with the results of my endeavours that I have been taking pictures of all the meals I am cooking. They look so pretty after all. There is nothing like a regular fast to make you grateful for the food the Divine has provided. Tonight I am making bread. It is keeping me up far too late but it is also giving me no excuse not to do some chores that I want to keep up with around the flat. 'Well, since I'm waiting for the dough to rise anyway...' bread is precious, and homemade bread is just divine. This particular dough contains sesame and fennel seeds and a little sugar - YUM! I will of course oblige with pictures when they are done... as long as they look as appealing as they are meant to!! In any case the balanced diet that I am now eating is giving me the energy to achieve more. The fasting mentality is keeping me diligent about food preparation and the added nutrition is giving me energy to do more around the home. I still want more space and that will come.

I have aquired an unexpected ally in the form of Mountain Ginger, the company drafted Financial Advisor. He is full of ideas to ensure that I get the best out of life, albeit mainly from a financial/legal perspective. That is just the kind of support that I need! Alhamdulillah.

God is good.

Bingo Moment

Mechwi!

I sit yawning at my desk while the fan heater under my desk blows out dusty hot air. I'm still jiggling my legs from the irritation of having my colleague expounding his religious developmental theories for what felt like about half an hour. Every time I thought he was done he started again, "please go away!" is all I was thinking. This lack of tolerance and compassion is symptomatic of my hungry state.

The weekend was an interesting mixture. The end of the week saw me exhausted and emotional after Thursday's fast. I severed a relationship on Friday morning, convinced that I needed to separate myself. However, later that day, the friend in question asked me not to take such extreme actions and coaxed me back into his bliss. Seeing him was like a holiday in the sun. I then decided on Saturday that I needed to address my nutrition as the fasting is taking too great a toll on me physically, mentally AND emotionally. Sunday I went food shopping and have some delicious menus sorted out for the week now. Organised, I know! I am even going to have chicken wings following my fast on Thursday, a rare taste of meat. Of course I want to spend every lunch time in Mechwi eating the supremely made chicken and lamb shish but that is a very expensive road indeed! See, all I can think about is food right now. This is something I have noticed; the benefit from fasting I find comes after the fast is finished. Maybe it's just me...

Sunday I was able to spend some time with mon ami francais Yoann and talk about the proposed trip to Marrakech. Plans change. It turns out that his friend lives in Casablanca, not Marrakech, so if we want to stay with him, we will be enjoying the more Northern area of Morocco! I dont mind so much, but as it happens I have been reviewing the plan in any case. To move forward with the development of my massage business I am going to have to clock up some hefty CPD hours (courses=money!) amongst other things.

Last night a career concept I have been mulling over in my mind recently kept coming back to me. I'm not willing to put it out there right now, it's more likely to be a bit of a 5 year plan than a 'this time next year' plan, but to be honest it is refreshing to have any professional plan in mind that extends beyond the next few months. It gives life to one of my favourite mantras: 'Variety is the spice of life'. What are the things that I value?

1. Helping, developing and inspiring people
2. Variety - different projects that may coincide but have a tangible conclusion
3. Learning new skills, information, industries, languages etc
4. Teamwork/Parnerships - working alongside people and in teams
5. Connecting with people
6. Space and time for myself and my son
8. Adventure and travel
9. Creativity, ideas, inspiration

I believe my business idea is the only idea I have had so far which incorporates all of the above. I can't wait to get started in gaining the training and experience I need to achieve my goal!

Maybe this is it. My BINGO MOMENT!

So many ideas, so little energy

Yesterday was of course my third day of fasting. I have been eager to blog, but no time. Some interesting adjustments this week: My boss got fired. I find myself, short of tasks and despite offering my services to the interim replacement shipped from the U.S. for the most part ignored. Should she decide to take me up on my offer of assistance with the recruitment, however, I may have the opportunity to show just how useful and adaptable I can really be. That will be a refreshing change for the better!

Under my present evel of self scrutiny I am now being even more honest than usual about where my weaknesses lie. Physically speaking the weakness of my constitution is really being put to the test. On Wednesday I had a session with the physio for my shoulder, and knowing his experience with nutrition I asked his advice about my diet. I'm concerned because I am pretty much living on sugar to get me through everything I have to achieve in a day. Since cutting that down drastically and combined with the fasting I find myself experiencing exhaustion to an even greater degree. This life I am leading is not sustainable. The additional energy and time required to shop and cook for myself the kind of things that I need seems impossible to me, but without this I am a physical and emotional wreck! I must create more space in my life for taking care of me. Just for now I am going to ignore the 'how' of that.

When I think about the development and expansion of my massage business and the kind of lifestyle that could give rise to it makes me want to rethink the trip to Marrakech. If I leave my present job and find something part time to support the growth of my business then I will need to invest in a couple of things first, such as my own mac. A friend of my ex reconditions MACs and sells them on so I think I'm on to something there. I want to blitz the driving and get my lisence which of course will cost money, albeit not as much as for most people as again, my ex hub's dad (and grandfather of my son) is a driving instructor. I will also need to get branding going and order business cards and stationery and uniform to give a really professional feel. These are not new plans, but plans I have had for a while, plans I have lacked the focus and motivation to carry out.

Then there are the books with Maria. I need to work with her on those to really get them ready for publisher-fishing! Fortunately we know an already successful writer and illustrator of children's books who will be able to advise us.

On top of this, my childminder wants to get together a group of people we know and discuss how I should move forward with my music. She is basically a one-woman marketing machine, she lives on networking sites (when not working) and has a great deal of enthusiasm for other people's creative ventures. I think time will tell which of these avenues are to be developed and which binned, or at least put on ice. I love variety, but whatever I do needs to be sustainable or at least manageable while it is at the forefront of my attention.

For today, perhaps I should concentrate on food and rest. My eyes are at half mast already and it is only midday. I'm not even fasting today!

Three lovely things

Things around me are shifting. Things inside me are in a state of flux.

Yesterday was my second day of fasting, coinciding with the fast for Haiti. It was an emotional day, partly food deprivation, partly my 5:30am rise from my bed, partly this shifting sand inside of me giving birth to fire that dies away to water as quickly as it arises.

A relationship I have been in for the past two and half years is once again having its bones laid bare and I am allowing myself to look at those bones instead of covering them modestly with the benefit of the doubt. I need some time on my own. Certain demands will not be met and that is ok.

A wonderful talk with a dear girlfriend last night saw me in tears and I heard every word she said. If I am going to change my attitude towards myself enough to push through into the life and destiny I deserve and desire then it needs to change everywhere it occurs. In my relationships, my work, everything. I have peace about that.

Three lovely things happened in quick succession this morning: I opened the pack of zip-lock bags my mum gave me and they are unexpectedly covered in hearts; I sat down at my desk and M. le Grenouille arrived and had bought me breakfast; I found a parcel on my desk full of pressies from Bina for me and Zeek... little things - big grateful heart xx

Asking for a miracle

My eardrums feel the pressure of the silence between the sounds: the hiss of the heating, the distant traffic, the gently rasping breath of my son sleeping beside me. The silence gives body to my longing, the almost tearful longing to be elsewhere in the warm hectic colour of Marrakech. I attempt to suppress the feeling that I am waiting too long before shifting gear and the engine of my life is squealing in protest. I am concerned with the 'how's. I am concerned with the 'when's. How do we do this? Because it has to be 'we' and not 'I' - I cannot contemplate leaving my son while I undertake a new adventure anymore than his father can contemplate allowing me to leave the country with our child for any significant length of time. Therein lies the conundrum. How do we all get what we need? There has to be a way, I know it, because I don't believe that God intends us to live within the easily attainable. Where would be the challenge in that, and where then would miracles occur?

Snakes?

No fighting snakes today. Worth noting!

Observations

This weight on my chest is very present today. During the session with David Isa, that was the second dominating physical sense in addition to the warm glow of wellbeing. My Osteopath, Meraz Ahmed is a bit of a healer and he has treated a tension in my chest on several occasions. My shoulders conversely feel a little released, so is it possible that the fasting has in some way loosened them? I guess we will never really know. The headache that threatened to develop into a migrane yesterday has in fact dissipated and my neck has stopped clicking. Why am I boring you with all these mundane details? I am just attempting to observe every change in myself as I go through this process of surrender daily. It's easy for me to squeeze out from under my own observation as my mind gets pulled back into the chatter of daily interraction. Once again, tonight a massage client has cancelled and I can't help but get the feeling that there are no coincidences. There is a reason that God, the Divine or my own higher conciousness or true self have engineered these circumstances to allow time and space for what needs to occur, whether internally or externally.

Fighting Snakes

I woke this morning before the dawn, crept out of the bed I was sharing with my gently snoring 4 year old and began to prepare porridge for the last meal before my Thursday fast. Unlike my experience of Ramadan in the summer, my stomach was happy to receive the food! Of course this is just a one day fast, at a time of year when the days are shorter, so the pressure is not quite the same. After I had eaten in the dark living room I heard my son protesting from next door.

"Mummy, you havent been to bed! You have to sleep in the night time!" and as I sat down on the bed next to him he wrapped me into the duvet, settling against me. As far as he was concerned it was far to early to be awake. That was refreshing... usually it is the other way around! After a few minutes of snuggling he was ready to wake and he let me go and take a shower while he watched 'Pirates of the Caribbean' on DVD and drank milk. He even gave me time to do some yoga postures before we both had to dress and get out of the door to the childminder's house.

Unfortunately we had dressed for the snow and not the rain. Within about ten minutes we were both pretty soaked and he needed a good deal of encouragement to keep him moving. The sorrowful farewell followed (poor mother's heartstrings!) and then it was on to work.

David Skype messaged me in the morning, by way of encouragement I think, on his way to Fajr (morning prayer) at some ridiculous time there in New York that included the number 4.

Now it is 1248hrs here in the UK, and having completed the Zuhr prayers (inspired by David) I am back at my desk, hungry and aching in my head, neck and shoulders and contemplating a lunchtime trip to the library. The aching existed before the fasting, something I am seeing a physio for, and not helped by the long walks in the cold, snow and rain! Isn't it interesting though that sometimes I can go a whole morning without even thinking of food, but today, it is at the very surface of my thoughts. David asked me how I am feeling and I told him "There is definitely something going on inside me." It's a feeling I would normally associate with anxiety, something like wrestling snakes. As I observe this occurring however, I wonder what is this resistance? What is it resistance to, and what or who is resisting? My mind? My emotions. I have no idea so I will just observe it for now in true Zen style.

Last night I was consumed again by thoughts of Morocco. My desired visit of one week has expanded to a vision of months. I would love that so much. But the 'how' is a question that remains unanswered. Is this desire about escape or expansion? Again, I will leave the question there and let it settle.

High heels or Saffron Robes?

I have an almost overpowering urge to shave my head. I have been dissatisfied with my hair's behaviour recently in a vague way, but shaving it off does seem a little excessive! Is this one of my once typical overreactions or a sincere desire to let go of an attachment to outer appearance that I have been enjoying for so long?

Let me explain.

Today I had my initial assessment with ontological companion David Isa Rosas. He is what I can only describe as a practitioner whose approach incorporates elements of coaching, and numerous theraputic practices in order to aquaint those who seek his assistance with their true inner self. This inner self is the source of all the answers to all the questions we might ask. At least, this is my perception so far. I am what may be described as an open person, ready to explore new practices and I certainly need to move forward professionally in a defined direction.

Our session was booked for 1pm UK time. David is based in New York, but will call a landline in the UK, no problem. Being in the office at the time I booked it for my lunch hour, booking out a room for the sake of privacy as I knew I would cry at some point. I sat with my hands either side of the conference phone, listening as David explained, in his deep reassuring voice, what the initial process would consist of. He asked me to voice the issue or question on which I felt I needed guidance.

I'm having difficulties finding a direction. I want to move forward with something professionally. Should it be massage? singing? fashion? I am open to whatever as long as it is the best path - one I have the passion to stick to.*

First of all we took some time to be quiet. Following our silence and some discussion the exact details of which now evade me, David asked me to picture myself vulnerable before the divine. I chose to use the illustration of being naked, removing my clothes conciously in my visualisation as an expression of vulnerability. 'Myself' in my own visualisation seemed to have a life of her own. Not only did I remove my clothes but I shaved my head and stood there exultant. I was then asked to place each of the things I was wondering about before myself in this context. My current job became a dry peice of paper that I had read too many times. My growing involvement with massage therapy I saw as a vast ocean in which I had barely dipped my toe - exciting, but also a little daunting. I have to point out that my vulnerable self was far less daunted than my concious mind. Then singing at which she/I took an ecstatic, delighted Super Mario like leap into the air. Finally fashion. She turned to me and said "What are clothes?" I was surprised about that, it was as though we were two different people on that point. David then did some remote tests (I cannot at this point explain this to you in any satisfying way) and after further discussion it was assessed that:

To establish a direction I shall incorporate the passion to receive inner knowledge (spiritual) through understanding that by surrendering myself completely to the Divine (in vulnerability/naked).

I can receive the inner feeling of "exalted"ness. It is that feeling which will propel me into the direction according to my inner nature and destiny.*

We also discussed fasting and it was established through the tests that fasting from food only was the appropriate action for me to take:

Fasting - is the approach for you to safely receive inner knowledge by quieting your body and mind, etc. The guidelines are that you'll fast from food only. Starting from before dawn to sunset on just Mondays and Thursdays.*

The way I shrank from the idea of fasting was the proof that he had hit the nail on the head. On the transcript that David sent me following our session David wrote the following suggestions:

Making this a daily practice.

Take a moment to become quiet within your vessel, and ask the Divine to help you:

• Surrender yourself completely, offering everything of yourself up; history, physicality, feelings, beliefs, etc.
• Then wait without thoughts or desires, wait to receive the inner feeling of exaltedness.

Note: The inner feeling may change or remain the same. The important thing to remember is that you're allowing the inner knowledge to descend from heaven into YOU.

Throughout the whole process I felt a deep sense of calm and warmth. I felt safe and secure, if a little self-concious at times. Having David there checking up on me means that I really have to put into practice what he is suggesting. I see that as a helpful supportive thing rather than an overbearing thing which I have experienced sometimes in vulnerable situations in the past. A new one on me ;)

*Taken from the transcript sent to me following our session