Wonderful souls at Muslim Hands

What an amazing Monday. I woke up really rather anxious about the day. I was due to give a presentation to the Muslim Hands team in London (www.muslimhands.org) and I just didnt really know what to expect. I guess the thing I am most wary of when it comes to events/organisations with a religious focus is that I will experience judgement or pressure. I have experienced this in the past, (but I'm happy to say those days are gone). Of course this should never be the case, and was NOT the case when I finally met the team at MH today. Irfan introduced me to the ladies in the team and I have to say I was in awe of one lady Z from almost the moment I met her! What a fantastic soul. She has such depths and serenity about her. She will shortly be relocating in the direction of North Africa and with my love of that particular area I told her she would have a wonderful time, insh'Allah! We also discovered a shared love of reading and on a more superficial level :) I asked her where she got her abaya which was gorgeous and it turns out her mum is a tailor! She is going to ask her for me if she will make something similar for me. FINGERS CROSSED! Her mother could make a mint in this country selling abayas like that - it's exactly what we are all looking for. Perhaps she could show me the ropes so that I can make my own from her basic pattern. My heart is full of gratitude. The meeting was successful and I may have met a soul mate insha'Allah. Z loaned me a book called 'The Invocation of God' which I am very excited to read. She will be insha'Allah a wonderful reference for good reads. We are planning a pilot event to preced a more global event following my presentation, and while I am somewhat overwhelmed even by that I am more overcome by a sense of gratefulness that I have been given the opportunity to so this, that they would trust me with it. I am praying that I can really step up to the mark on this one!

Signs from Heaven

Today I have been what most people might consider clumsy! I reached for my big teacup on the top shelf only to bring down some small esspresso glasses, bashing myself and smashing one in the process. I wanted to do some research on the web, but had to clear my paperwork from my desk before I could comfortably do so. I knocked a reducndant keyboad off its ledge making space for my breakfast bowl during my 'breakfast meeting' with my laptop. Is the Universe trying to tell me something? I think so! It's really more confirmation of the same. I prayed salat-l-istikhara last night for some decisions I was making about which therapist to go for. These signs from heaven are giving me the confirmation that I should use a therapist who can assist me to once and for all clear out the small baggage and historical debris of my life and move forward onto the big desirable goals that I am visualising. So I am trying not to get to annoyed by these little incidents as they are after all the signs that I asked for! I will be working with a young lady called Katie, and I have to say, I am eager for our Thursday appointment! Praise God for the way he leads us if we are willing to listen.

Pnemonia hospital madness

Wow, what a weekend. On Friday evening I took my son to the doctors for abdominal pain and a soaring temperature and he sent us straight to A&E with suspected appendicitis. After several hours waiting one of the paediatricians decided to take a chest x-ray in case there was a chest infection. Fortunately the poor boy avoided having to go under the knife and was quickly taken up to the ward and put on intravenous antibiotics, kept in for observation. Two days and very little sleep later (for me) we are back in the sunny surroundings of our treetop appartment. I was all ready to be business productive after the weekend before, so will now need to pick back up the threads of that resolve and power through some action points that were pushed aside, quite rightly by this weekend's events. A brochure for my new look massage business. I am toying with the idea of going to all female clients which is a tricky one as all my current clients are male! Well, they say if we honour God he honours us so I will throw it out there and see what comes back! There has never been a more important time for female solidarity - I read an article yesterday about harassment of women (by drunk men) in clubs. We are talking actual hands on, crotch-grabbing harassment (that is the women's crotches by the men!) Mishmaool. I'd think it was hype but I experienced something less extreme years ago and a young friend of mine had her skirt pulled up repeatedly by a man in a club just the other day. If there was ever a good reason not to go clubbing that is it! So, my plans to have sociable events for women only must happen sooner rather than later I think! There used to be a thing called 'The Women's Institute' and I think there is definitely a place for a modern version of that. I'll start small and work my way up...

Outer vs Inner

My Inner Human Life is in danger of being eclipsed by my Outer Human Life at present. It is certainly true that what I could is not necessarily what I should do. My music video was released today and watching it back I have to say that it seems like another stage of my life now. There was a time when I shared things that I would not share now, and that video is an example of that. An old friend remarked that the video is very 'sexual' and I redefined her description, specifying that the song is about intimacy and sensuality. Unfortunately I have learned a little more about human nature since then, and realized that for the majority of people sensual=sexual and there is nothing I can do to change that. I am currently planning a new video with the same director and I have to say this one will be in a very different style. Partly because it is a different song, but also because I am much more private now than I was then. Another friend of mine commented the other day that no matter what I do or wear, people are attracted to me, physically or as a person, or both. If that is true I can see that I would benefit from being more boundaried in the way I present myself. It's not like I walk around town in a miniskirt! But it doesnt take much apparently to inspire some people. As I'm writing this I'm thinking 'this is complete rubbish! how can this be true?' in terms of the way people seem to see and read me and their intentions towards me. I don't want to become suspicious and guarded. There has to be a half-way house?

www.marishaweddings.co.uk

In the last week or so I have found at last the impetus to apply for some part time jobs. This followed a week of illness and a blocked base chakra according to my massage therapist who also suggested that it was possible I was not submitting to the need to commit to certain changes in my life, including letting some things go. Basically, I was not following my own inner guidance system. I was resisting progress in my life; delaying my good. I have since noticed little ways in which I delay my good, by procrastinating over small but key tasks. There is no explanation for why I delay on these tasks, they are not awkward or time consuming. I have simply got into a habit of delaying my good due to not believing that I deserve to do the things I want to do and have the things I want to have in life. Utter nonsense! I am happy to say that I can see my attitude is erroneous. Today I managed to mentally commit to starting a wedding planning business with a friend, order business cards for us both and set up a temporary website. All in one evening during which I also treated a client, cuddled my son, met with my music video director and caught up with a friend over the dinner I had cooked. Ok so it's 1am now, but I have my hot milk to wind me down; one late night every now and then wont hurt! Scarlet the unexpected hamster (see previous post)has just woken up - lazybones! See my handiwork at http://www.marishaweddings.co.uk/

Hamster love

That has to be the most spontaneous pet aquisition ever! Wanting to appease my son's desire for a pet, we purchased a Russian Dwarf hamster yesterday. We now have a new resident in the appartment named 'Scarlet'. I was actually amazed at how maternal I feel towards her. Apparently I do have love to give - it's official - I haven't run out! In fact there is a whole lot more in here just waiting for people/furry creatures on which to bestow itself... I sense that somehow this little female fur-ball has a role to play in my spiritual/emotional development. After a week of being more or less bedridden, to find ourselves with an extra family member by the middle of the weekend is surprising to say the least. Relationships teach you about yourself - even a relationship with a pet. It's a commitment after all, a commitment I was not willing to make. And then I made it without even thinking about it, but getting more and more nervous all the time, knowing that I had made a promise to my son by this point. It is not just because of the hamster, but I feel as though parts of me are becoming exposed in the last few days. I met someone new recently through a friend and had quite a deep conversation with him about our mutual spirituality. Afterwards I felt disoriented and realized it has been a long time since I did that with anyone. Certainly with someone who seems to share my approach. I wasnt sure I wanted to reveal that much of myself to anyone - but it just happened. Who knows why.

Shashamarket CRASH

"You're headed for a fall!" my father would say when, as a child, I was at my most elated.

This time though, the bliss was a balance rather than a high. The last couple of days have seen a positively hormonal display of emotion on my part, and feelings of exhaustion despite plenty of rest. The next week or so will reveal the source of this disruption... I feel like I am on drugs - woozy and detatched!

The Birth of Bliss

The bread of life ;)

The feelings of bliss today are increasing, underlying everything. How can I describe it? It is a deep sense of wellbeing and gratitude for the gift of life and all its colour and movement. It feels wonderful! I'm not saying that I don't have irritable moments but what I can say is that after those moments pass, this is the place I am returning to again and again. Time is passing, events are occuring, but I am feeling more and more centered in myself, so that things wash around me like so much water, and I am the point of stillness and peace.

I believe this to be a direct result of the fasting that David prescribed following our kinesiology session on the phone. How is this? Am I going mad with starvation perhaps? In fact the opposite is occuring! Due to my regular dawn to dusk fast (Mondays and Thursdays), I was initially feeling a drop in energy and resulting emotional disruption, lack of patience etc. However, I realized that this was a result of my general lack of a balanced wholesome diet, my reliance on sugary foods to boost my energy being the main problem. I realized that if I was to continue working in this way I needed to address my nutrition. I made a meal plan, a shopping list and made it a priority. Guess what? I started having the time of my life making delicious, nutritious food for myself each day! A knock-on effect of this was that instead of giving in to exhaustion and allowing washing up to accumulate over the week I actually started doing it daily so that I could use things again to cook the following day. I began to take more notice of our living environment and the niggling in the back of my mind when things needed to be tidied or cleaned transformed into the motivation to actually spend time doing it - whatever time was available. For example last night I baked bread, and used the rising time to clean the bathroom and kitchen! I went to bed very late but it was worth it as the bread is delicious...


I never thought I was any good at domestic activities and I have always wanted to be. Part of my womanhood was sad about that. However it turns out that I AM good at it - I'm great at it! and taking care of my body by feeding myself healthy food and paying attention to our home environment has given me the energy and motivation that I needed. The home fires are definitely burning again, and I feel such gratitude for this process because I now feel more content that I am giving the consideration and attention to my son that he needs. All of these things I have felt as lacking in my life were already present. Now that I am slowly surrendering to the divine and allowing a measure of discipline to bring gratitude to the surface I am able to embrace these gifts for what they are! Not an inconvenience but a blessing.


The transformation continues, so watch this space, but who would have thought that a simple regular fast would infuse my life with so much bliss?

A Little Bit of Rumi Does Me Good

"This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your houseempty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you outfor some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,and invite them in.
Be grateful for whomever comes,
because each has been sentas a guide from beyond."

~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Thanks to David for sending this out to me - a great life philosophy.

God is Good

A masterpiece Bistela.... soooo good!

I am no longer counting the days that I fast. Since living more and more in the eternal present time has lost its distinction somewhat and I will refer to a calendar for the date and a clock for the time when necessary. It's a beautiful thing! This morning I watched my son zooming off ahead of me on his scooter under the naked tree branches and I felt a real sense of joy. Thought came to me 'I don't even care what day it is, or what time, I just love this moment!'

My fascination with food continues. I'm so pleased with the results of my endeavours that I have been taking pictures of all the meals I am cooking. They look so pretty after all. There is nothing like a regular fast to make you grateful for the food the Divine has provided. Tonight I am making bread. It is keeping me up far too late but it is also giving me no excuse not to do some chores that I want to keep up with around the flat. 'Well, since I'm waiting for the dough to rise anyway...' bread is precious, and homemade bread is just divine. This particular dough contains sesame and fennel seeds and a little sugar - YUM! I will of course oblige with pictures when they are done... as long as they look as appealing as they are meant to!! In any case the balanced diet that I am now eating is giving me the energy to achieve more. The fasting mentality is keeping me diligent about food preparation and the added nutrition is giving me energy to do more around the home. I still want more space and that will come.

I have aquired an unexpected ally in the form of Mountain Ginger, the company drafted Financial Advisor. He is full of ideas to ensure that I get the best out of life, albeit mainly from a financial/legal perspective. That is just the kind of support that I need! Alhamdulillah.

God is good.

Bingo Moment

Mechwi!

I sit yawning at my desk while the fan heater under my desk blows out dusty hot air. I'm still jiggling my legs from the irritation of having my colleague expounding his religious developmental theories for what felt like about half an hour. Every time I thought he was done he started again, "please go away!" is all I was thinking. This lack of tolerance and compassion is symptomatic of my hungry state.

The weekend was an interesting mixture. The end of the week saw me exhausted and emotional after Thursday's fast. I severed a relationship on Friday morning, convinced that I needed to separate myself. However, later that day, the friend in question asked me not to take such extreme actions and coaxed me back into his bliss. Seeing him was like a holiday in the sun. I then decided on Saturday that I needed to address my nutrition as the fasting is taking too great a toll on me physically, mentally AND emotionally. Sunday I went food shopping and have some delicious menus sorted out for the week now. Organised, I know! I am even going to have chicken wings following my fast on Thursday, a rare taste of meat. Of course I want to spend every lunch time in Mechwi eating the supremely made chicken and lamb shish but that is a very expensive road indeed! See, all I can think about is food right now. This is something I have noticed; the benefit from fasting I find comes after the fast is finished. Maybe it's just me...

Sunday I was able to spend some time with mon ami francais Yoann and talk about the proposed trip to Marrakech. Plans change. It turns out that his friend lives in Casablanca, not Marrakech, so if we want to stay with him, we will be enjoying the more Northern area of Morocco! I dont mind so much, but as it happens I have been reviewing the plan in any case. To move forward with the development of my massage business I am going to have to clock up some hefty CPD hours (courses=money!) amongst other things.

Last night a career concept I have been mulling over in my mind recently kept coming back to me. I'm not willing to put it out there right now, it's more likely to be a bit of a 5 year plan than a 'this time next year' plan, but to be honest it is refreshing to have any professional plan in mind that extends beyond the next few months. It gives life to one of my favourite mantras: 'Variety is the spice of life'. What are the things that I value?

1. Helping, developing and inspiring people
2. Variety - different projects that may coincide but have a tangible conclusion
3. Learning new skills, information, industries, languages etc
4. Teamwork/Parnerships - working alongside people and in teams
5. Connecting with people
6. Space and time for myself and my son
8. Adventure and travel
9. Creativity, ideas, inspiration

I believe my business idea is the only idea I have had so far which incorporates all of the above. I can't wait to get started in gaining the training and experience I need to achieve my goal!

Maybe this is it. My BINGO MOMENT!

So many ideas, so little energy

Yesterday was of course my third day of fasting. I have been eager to blog, but no time. Some interesting adjustments this week: My boss got fired. I find myself, short of tasks and despite offering my services to the interim replacement shipped from the U.S. for the most part ignored. Should she decide to take me up on my offer of assistance with the recruitment, however, I may have the opportunity to show just how useful and adaptable I can really be. That will be a refreshing change for the better!

Under my present evel of self scrutiny I am now being even more honest than usual about where my weaknesses lie. Physically speaking the weakness of my constitution is really being put to the test. On Wednesday I had a session with the physio for my shoulder, and knowing his experience with nutrition I asked his advice about my diet. I'm concerned because I am pretty much living on sugar to get me through everything I have to achieve in a day. Since cutting that down drastically and combined with the fasting I find myself experiencing exhaustion to an even greater degree. This life I am leading is not sustainable. The additional energy and time required to shop and cook for myself the kind of things that I need seems impossible to me, but without this I am a physical and emotional wreck! I must create more space in my life for taking care of me. Just for now I am going to ignore the 'how' of that.

When I think about the development and expansion of my massage business and the kind of lifestyle that could give rise to it makes me want to rethink the trip to Marrakech. If I leave my present job and find something part time to support the growth of my business then I will need to invest in a couple of things first, such as my own mac. A friend of my ex reconditions MACs and sells them on so I think I'm on to something there. I want to blitz the driving and get my lisence which of course will cost money, albeit not as much as for most people as again, my ex hub's dad (and grandfather of my son) is a driving instructor. I will also need to get branding going and order business cards and stationery and uniform to give a really professional feel. These are not new plans, but plans I have had for a while, plans I have lacked the focus and motivation to carry out.

Then there are the books with Maria. I need to work with her on those to really get them ready for publisher-fishing! Fortunately we know an already successful writer and illustrator of children's books who will be able to advise us.

On top of this, my childminder wants to get together a group of people we know and discuss how I should move forward with my music. She is basically a one-woman marketing machine, she lives on networking sites (when not working) and has a great deal of enthusiasm for other people's creative ventures. I think time will tell which of these avenues are to be developed and which binned, or at least put on ice. I love variety, but whatever I do needs to be sustainable or at least manageable while it is at the forefront of my attention.

For today, perhaps I should concentrate on food and rest. My eyes are at half mast already and it is only midday. I'm not even fasting today!

Three lovely things

Things around me are shifting. Things inside me are in a state of flux.

Yesterday was my second day of fasting, coinciding with the fast for Haiti. It was an emotional day, partly food deprivation, partly my 5:30am rise from my bed, partly this shifting sand inside of me giving birth to fire that dies away to water as quickly as it arises.

A relationship I have been in for the past two and half years is once again having its bones laid bare and I am allowing myself to look at those bones instead of covering them modestly with the benefit of the doubt. I need some time on my own. Certain demands will not be met and that is ok.

A wonderful talk with a dear girlfriend last night saw me in tears and I heard every word she said. If I am going to change my attitude towards myself enough to push through into the life and destiny I deserve and desire then it needs to change everywhere it occurs. In my relationships, my work, everything. I have peace about that.

Three lovely things happened in quick succession this morning: I opened the pack of zip-lock bags my mum gave me and they are unexpectedly covered in hearts; I sat down at my desk and M. le Grenouille arrived and had bought me breakfast; I found a parcel on my desk full of pressies from Bina for me and Zeek... little things - big grateful heart xx

Asking for a miracle

My eardrums feel the pressure of the silence between the sounds: the hiss of the heating, the distant traffic, the gently rasping breath of my son sleeping beside me. The silence gives body to my longing, the almost tearful longing to be elsewhere in the warm hectic colour of Marrakech. I attempt to suppress the feeling that I am waiting too long before shifting gear and the engine of my life is squealing in protest. I am concerned with the 'how's. I am concerned with the 'when's. How do we do this? Because it has to be 'we' and not 'I' - I cannot contemplate leaving my son while I undertake a new adventure anymore than his father can contemplate allowing me to leave the country with our child for any significant length of time. Therein lies the conundrum. How do we all get what we need? There has to be a way, I know it, because I don't believe that God intends us to live within the easily attainable. Where would be the challenge in that, and where then would miracles occur?

Snakes?

No fighting snakes today. Worth noting!

Observations

This weight on my chest is very present today. During the session with David Isa, that was the second dominating physical sense in addition to the warm glow of wellbeing. My Osteopath, Meraz Ahmed is a bit of a healer and he has treated a tension in my chest on several occasions. My shoulders conversely feel a little released, so is it possible that the fasting has in some way loosened them? I guess we will never really know. The headache that threatened to develop into a migrane yesterday has in fact dissipated and my neck has stopped clicking. Why am I boring you with all these mundane details? I am just attempting to observe every change in myself as I go through this process of surrender daily. It's easy for me to squeeze out from under my own observation as my mind gets pulled back into the chatter of daily interraction. Once again, tonight a massage client has cancelled and I can't help but get the feeling that there are no coincidences. There is a reason that God, the Divine or my own higher conciousness or true self have engineered these circumstances to allow time and space for what needs to occur, whether internally or externally.

Fighting Snakes

I woke this morning before the dawn, crept out of the bed I was sharing with my gently snoring 4 year old and began to prepare porridge for the last meal before my Thursday fast. Unlike my experience of Ramadan in the summer, my stomach was happy to receive the food! Of course this is just a one day fast, at a time of year when the days are shorter, so the pressure is not quite the same. After I had eaten in the dark living room I heard my son protesting from next door.

"Mummy, you havent been to bed! You have to sleep in the night time!" and as I sat down on the bed next to him he wrapped me into the duvet, settling against me. As far as he was concerned it was far to early to be awake. That was refreshing... usually it is the other way around! After a few minutes of snuggling he was ready to wake and he let me go and take a shower while he watched 'Pirates of the Caribbean' on DVD and drank milk. He even gave me time to do some yoga postures before we both had to dress and get out of the door to the childminder's house.

Unfortunately we had dressed for the snow and not the rain. Within about ten minutes we were both pretty soaked and he needed a good deal of encouragement to keep him moving. The sorrowful farewell followed (poor mother's heartstrings!) and then it was on to work.

David Skype messaged me in the morning, by way of encouragement I think, on his way to Fajr (morning prayer) at some ridiculous time there in New York that included the number 4.

Now it is 1248hrs here in the UK, and having completed the Zuhr prayers (inspired by David) I am back at my desk, hungry and aching in my head, neck and shoulders and contemplating a lunchtime trip to the library. The aching existed before the fasting, something I am seeing a physio for, and not helped by the long walks in the cold, snow and rain! Isn't it interesting though that sometimes I can go a whole morning without even thinking of food, but today, it is at the very surface of my thoughts. David asked me how I am feeling and I told him "There is definitely something going on inside me." It's a feeling I would normally associate with anxiety, something like wrestling snakes. As I observe this occurring however, I wonder what is this resistance? What is it resistance to, and what or who is resisting? My mind? My emotions. I have no idea so I will just observe it for now in true Zen style.

Last night I was consumed again by thoughts of Morocco. My desired visit of one week has expanded to a vision of months. I would love that so much. But the 'how' is a question that remains unanswered. Is this desire about escape or expansion? Again, I will leave the question there and let it settle.

High heels or Saffron Robes?

I have an almost overpowering urge to shave my head. I have been dissatisfied with my hair's behaviour recently in a vague way, but shaving it off does seem a little excessive! Is this one of my once typical overreactions or a sincere desire to let go of an attachment to outer appearance that I have been enjoying for so long?

Let me explain.

Today I had my initial assessment with ontological companion David Isa Rosas. He is what I can only describe as a practitioner whose approach incorporates elements of coaching, and numerous theraputic practices in order to aquaint those who seek his assistance with their true inner self. This inner self is the source of all the answers to all the questions we might ask. At least, this is my perception so far. I am what may be described as an open person, ready to explore new practices and I certainly need to move forward professionally in a defined direction.

Our session was booked for 1pm UK time. David is based in New York, but will call a landline in the UK, no problem. Being in the office at the time I booked it for my lunch hour, booking out a room for the sake of privacy as I knew I would cry at some point. I sat with my hands either side of the conference phone, listening as David explained, in his deep reassuring voice, what the initial process would consist of. He asked me to voice the issue or question on which I felt I needed guidance.

I'm having difficulties finding a direction. I want to move forward with something professionally. Should it be massage? singing? fashion? I am open to whatever as long as it is the best path - one I have the passion to stick to.*

First of all we took some time to be quiet. Following our silence and some discussion the exact details of which now evade me, David asked me to picture myself vulnerable before the divine. I chose to use the illustration of being naked, removing my clothes conciously in my visualisation as an expression of vulnerability. 'Myself' in my own visualisation seemed to have a life of her own. Not only did I remove my clothes but I shaved my head and stood there exultant. I was then asked to place each of the things I was wondering about before myself in this context. My current job became a dry peice of paper that I had read too many times. My growing involvement with massage therapy I saw as a vast ocean in which I had barely dipped my toe - exciting, but also a little daunting. I have to point out that my vulnerable self was far less daunted than my concious mind. Then singing at which she/I took an ecstatic, delighted Super Mario like leap into the air. Finally fashion. She turned to me and said "What are clothes?" I was surprised about that, it was as though we were two different people on that point. David then did some remote tests (I cannot at this point explain this to you in any satisfying way) and after further discussion it was assessed that:

To establish a direction I shall incorporate the passion to receive inner knowledge (spiritual) through understanding that by surrendering myself completely to the Divine (in vulnerability/naked).

I can receive the inner feeling of "exalted"ness. It is that feeling which will propel me into the direction according to my inner nature and destiny.*

We also discussed fasting and it was established through the tests that fasting from food only was the appropriate action for me to take:

Fasting - is the approach for you to safely receive inner knowledge by quieting your body and mind, etc. The guidelines are that you'll fast from food only. Starting from before dawn to sunset on just Mondays and Thursdays.*

The way I shrank from the idea of fasting was the proof that he had hit the nail on the head. On the transcript that David sent me following our session David wrote the following suggestions:

Making this a daily practice.

Take a moment to become quiet within your vessel, and ask the Divine to help you:

• Surrender yourself completely, offering everything of yourself up; history, physicality, feelings, beliefs, etc.
• Then wait without thoughts or desires, wait to receive the inner feeling of exaltedness.

Note: The inner feeling may change or remain the same. The important thing to remember is that you're allowing the inner knowledge to descend from heaven into YOU.

Throughout the whole process I felt a deep sense of calm and warmth. I felt safe and secure, if a little self-concious at times. Having David there checking up on me means that I really have to put into practice what he is suggesting. I see that as a helpful supportive thing rather than an overbearing thing which I have experienced sometimes in vulnerable situations in the past. A new one on me ;)

*Taken from the transcript sent to me following our session